Facing Prometheus — Week 18 (Sacred Lives in a Secular World) | “Love & Respect” | Pastor Howie Smith
For several weeks now the series has walked through Ephesians 5:21–33 — mutual submission, the picture of Christ and the church, what headship and submission actually mean, and what marriage looks like at the ground level. This week the passage reaches its final verse, where Paul takes everything he has said about marriage and distills it down to two commands.
In Week 18 of Facing Prometheus: A Letter to the Ephesians and the Future Church Dilemma, Pastor Howie Smith examines the two words Paul chose — love and respect — studies the Greek behind each, and shows why each command is aimed precisely at the deepest need of each spouse. It is a message for the married, the soon-to-be-married, and the single, anchored throughout in the wisdom of Proverbs.
The Text — Ephesians 5:22–33
“Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord, because the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of the body. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives are to submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her to make her holy, cleansing her with the washing of water by the word. He did this to present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or anything like that, but holy and blameless. In the same way, husbands are to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hates his own flesh but provides and cares for it, just as Christ does for the church, since we are members of his body. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This mystery is profound, but I am talking about Christ and the church. To sum up, each one of you is to love his wife as himself, and the wife is to respect her husband.”
— Ephesians 5:22–33 (CSB)
The message lands on verse 33, the summary verse. Two words. Two commands. One for husbands, one for wives. The message covers three things: a study of the two Greek words, the two commands in depth, and three principles.
1. Two Words
Love
Husbands are commanded to love their wives. The Greek is agapaō, the verb form of agape.
ἀγαπάω (agapaō) — to love, to esteem, to choose the highest good of another regardless of merit.
- Not eros (passionate desire) or phileo (warm friendship). Attraction and chemistry are real, but they are not the kind of love that sustains a marriage.
- Agape sustains. It is the same word used for God’s love in John 3:16.
John 3:16 — For God loved the world in this way: He gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.
- It gives when there is nothing to gain and continues when the feeling fades. It is rooted in commitment, not mood. It is the fruit-of-the-Spirit kind of love, not possible apart from the Holy Spirit.
Galatians 5:22–23 — But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. The law is not against such things.
- The verb form signals ongoing, continuous action: keep on loving, today and tomorrow.
- This command was revolutionary. Greco-Roman household codes told husbands to manage and govern their households; Paul says love sacrificially, the way Christ loves the church.
★★ Agape is unconditional. It is not conditioned on a wife’s performance, not withdrawn when she disappoints, not dependent on a good day or her condition. A husband loves even when his wife isn’t doing her part.
Respect
Wives are commanded to respect their husbands. The Greek is phobeō, most often translated “fear.”
φοβέω (phobeō) — to fear, to be in awe of, to reverence, to treat with deep respect.
- Same root used in Ephesians 5:21, “submit to one another out of reverence (phobos) for Christ.” It carries the posture of awe, deep regard, and taking someone seriously.
- It is not fear of the husband, which would contradict the passage. It is high regard that says: I see you. I appreciate you. I honor who you are.
A common but wrong way to hear verse 33: “Husbands, love your wives unconditionally, and wives, respect your husbands only if they have earned and deserve it.”
★★ Respect is unconditional. It is not conditioned on a husband’s performance, not withdrawn when he disappoints, not dependent on a good day or his condition. A wife respects even when her husband isn’t doing his part.
A note on abuse: This passage describes a marriage operating in general goodwill, where there may be real issues but no issue of safety. It does not teach that enduring abuse is a form of respect. Unconditional love and respect are calls to grace, not mandates to endure harm. If you or someone you know is in an unsafe marriage, please reach out. We have resources to help.
2. The Two Commands
Command One: Husbands, Love Your Wives
- Paul commands husbands to love, but never commands wives to love. Women generally do not struggle to feel love for those closest to them; the deeper struggle is feeling loved — seen, chosen, cherished, safe.
- Emerson Eggerichs (Love and Respect): what a wife most craves is the sense that she is unconditionally loved, not for what she does or how she looks. When she does not feel it, it surfaces as frustration, criticism, or emotional withdrawal.
Proverbs 16:23 — The heart of a wise person instructs his mouth; it adds learning to his speech.
Proverbs 21:9 — Better to live on the corner of a roof than to share a house with a nagging wife.
Command Two: Wives, Respect Your Husbands
- Paul commands wives to respect, but never commands husbands to respect. Eggerichs argues that what a man most deeply needs — often more than to feel loved — is to feel respected and honored as a person.
- The conditional-respect trap makes the husband responsible for both the love and the respect in the relationship, which is not the command: “I’ll respect him when he’s respectable.” “I’ll love her when she’s lovable.”
- A husband’s deepest fear: “You don’t deserve my respect.” A wife’s deepest fear: “I don’t love you.” The two carry the same weight.
- National survey: 81.5% of men reported that during conflict they perceived their wife didn’t respect them.
- Eggerichs: “No husband feels affection toward a wife who appears to have contempt for who he is as a human being.” Even unintentional contempt unravels a marriage.
What contempt can look like: eye-rolls, a dismissive tone, correcting him in front of others, constant criticism of his decisions, comparing him unfavorably to other men, a sigh at the wrong moment, sentences that begin with “You always” or “You never.”
Proverbs 21:19 — Better to live in a wilderness than with a nagging and hot-tempered wife.
Proverbs 12:4 — A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown, but a wife who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones.
★★ Respect is not compliance. It is not a command to be silent, to suppress disagreement, or to tolerate mistreatment. Mutual submission (5:21) is still the foundation. You can disagree and still respect; you can push back and still honor.
- A question to test it: If a woman treated your son the way you treat your husband, how would you feel?
- Unconditional respect does not mean the husband has done everything right. It means the wife extends honor as an act of grace, just as the husband extends love as an act of grace.
3. Three Principles
Proverbs 12:15 — A fool’s way is right in his own eyes, but whoever listens to counsel is wise.
Principle 1: Your (unspoken) expectations need to die.
Common expectations that go unmet, and often unspoken:
- “Marriage would make me happy.” No person can be your single source of happiness. Marriage is meant to be a mission; being on mission together brings unity. Only Jesus meets the needs of the soul.
- “My spouse would meet all of my needs.” Focusing on your own needs ruins a marriage. The command is to meet the other’s needs.
- “He or she would change after marriage.” They will change, but not in the ways you expect. Marriage is not a magic change agent.
- “If I found the right one, marriage would be easy.” Good marriages take effort and constant investment.
- “Good marriages never struggle.” Most marriages hit a wall. There is no growth without struggle, and God’s grace proves more abundant in it.
For those who are single, this passage shapes who and how you date. Attraction is not the same as the capacity for covenant love. Watch for the willingness to practice love and respect, not just the feeling.
Single women: Watch how he loves. Find someone easy to respect. Does he pursue your wellbeing or his own comfort? Does he listen even when it costs him? Is he present or checked out? Does he honor you publicly? Watch how he treats children, the elderly, his mom, his sister, your friends, and how he handles conflict — working toward peace, or shutting down and weaponizing silence. Agape shows up in small, consistent acts of attentiveness.
Single men: Watch how she respects. Find someone easy to love. Can she honor and believe in someone other than herself? Does she speak well of the men in her life — her dad, brothers, coworkers — or tend toward criticism and contempt? Look for someone who can disagree without contempt, not someone who never disagrees.
Everyone who is single: You cannot give what you do not have. Examine your own capacity for love and respect before evaluating a partner’s.
★★★ Marriage does not make you capable of covenant love. It reveals whether you already are.
Have a funeral for your expectations. If they don’t die, the marriage will.
Principle 2: Hurt people hurt people.
- Conflict exists in every marriage. The goal of an argument should be to get to the truth, not to win.
Proverbs 12:18 — There is one who speaks rashly, like a piercing sword; but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
- The Crazy Cycle (Eggerichs): a husband acts in a way the wife experiences as unloving; she pulls back respect through criticism or distance; he experiences that as disrespect and withdraws love further; she feels more unloved, and the cycle spirals.
- Most couples in it are hurting, not cruel. She is communicating pain; he is protecting himself from contempt. Many divorces trace back to an unbroken Crazy Cycle rather than a single dramatic failure.
Principle 3: There is always hope.
- The opposite of the cycle is also true: his love motivates her respect, and her respect motivates his love. It builds.
Romans 12:9–12 — Let love be without hypocrisy. Detest evil; cling to what is good. Love one another deeply as brothers and sisters. Take the lead in honoring one another. Do not lack diligence in zeal; be fervent in the Spirit; serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope; be patient in affliction; be persistent in prayer.
★★ Husbands, focus on love. Wives, focus on respect. Find a way to communicate love your wife will feel, and respect your husband will actually hear. Then do it.
- Someone has to go first, before the other has earned it. That is the definition of unconditional. The one who goes first is the one who is most mature.
Closing — 22 Words
Ephesians 5:33 is a small verse, just 22 words, but it holds two of the most powerful commands in Scripture about marriage.
★★★ Husbands: love her with agape — not when it’s easy, not when she has earned it, not when you feel like it. Wives: respect him with phobeō — not when he deserves it, not only when he has led perfectly.
- Both commands require dying to self and the work of the Spirit. Neither can be sustained by willpower; both require being daily filled with the Spirit (Ephesians 5:18).
- If you are single: start practicing now. Love and respect are habits of the heart formed over years, not switched on at the altar.
- If you are married: ask honestly — Am I withholding love? Am I withholding respect? Then do the next right thing, because Christ first loved you before you earned it.
It’s never hopeless. You can’t do this without Jesus, the one who loved when we hadn’t earned it, who saw our value when we couldn’t see it ourselves.
1 John 4:15–19 — Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God—God remains in him and he in God. And we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and the one who remains in love remains in God, and God remains in him. In this, love is made complete with us so that we may have confidence in the day of judgment, because as he is, so also are we in this world. There is no fear in love; instead, perfect love drives out fear, because fear involves punishment. So the one who fears is not complete in love. We love because he first loved us.
Referenced in this message:
Emerson Eggerichs, Love and Respect (Nashville: W Publishing, 2004).
Ben Stuart, Single, Dating, Engaged, Married, updated ed. (Nashville: W Publishing, 2025).
Scripture quotations are from the Christian Standard Bible (CSB).
